Donna's TTC Blog

In conclusion

2008-11-05T09:09:00.001-05:00

It's hard to believe that in starting in 2003 it was such a huge struggle to get pregnant and stay pregnant and now my family is complete. Not only with Dylan in 2006 but now with our little Sophia Rose. I sometimes thought I would never be able to have another child much less two more and a girl no less. I am truly blessed to have all of my children and to be able to stay home with them. My second son recently asked what did I dream of being when I grew up and I said I was living my dream because all I really ever wanted to be was a wife and a mother.

To those who are struggling to TTC I strongly believe in the power of pray and finding a good reproductive endocrinologist. If you feel in your gut that there is something wrong and your doctor won't listen then find a new doctor. I wasted a lot of time listening to doctors tell me there was nothing wrong only to go a long period of time not being able to conceive or having several losses. Listen to your gut. I can also tell you that your average OB/GYN has no clue about fertility issues and that is why I recommend a good reproductive endocrinologist. I was blessed to have found a really good endocrinologist but the one before that said there was nothing wrong with me.
All my fertility issues were due to my thyroid which needed to be removed in order to conceive and carry to term. I also have to closely watch my thyroid levels because if they are off I will suffer from loss.

Now that chapter of my life is over and I hope this blog has helped some woman out there have hope in her TTC journey or at least provided some good links.

Birth Story

2008-10-30T16:52:00.001-04:00

So here is where the story begins...............warning "TMI" alert..................

I was pretty miserable the last few weeks. I was in pain or discomfort most of the time and sleeping was not happening much either. On Monday the 20th my husband informed me that the following week he would have to start working out of town (a two hour drive away from home) and might have to spend some nights too. I already wanted her to come out but now I really felt the pressure to get her out by that weekend. I had been about 2cm for a couple of weeks and had been having really good bh cx for a long time. Then my husband called me Thursday the 23rd and said that he would have to start working out of town on Friday and then I really freaked. As I laid in bed that night I prayed and begged God that if I was going to go into labor to let it happen before 4am when my husband would be leaving so he would stay home and not have to drive 2 hours back home.

At 2:30am I woke up. I noticed I was having cx about every 5 minutes but they were not lasting very long. I didn't get to excited. At 3am I got up to pee and checked myself. I was happy to feel that I was completely effaced and what I thought to be 3-4 cm and could feel the bag of waters slightly bulging through. At 4am I checked again and it felt like I had dialed a little more because the bag was bulging a little more. I was sure I was at least 4cm so I thought for sure that I would have the baby sometime within 24 hours. I told my husband that he could go to work but because I only had about 2 hours of hard labor last time I was concerned about the two hour drive home. He said he wasn't going to leave and stayed home from work.

I'm not sure what time but my bag really started bulging and I felt about 4-5cm. My midwife had a full day at the birth center and I really wanted to stay home and have the baby but I knew that I might end up at the center. We packed the car just in case. As the morning went on and it turned to afternoon my cx never got to a minute but stayed pretty consistent at about 2 -5 minutes apart. I ate, talked and laughed in-between them. When I would check myself it didn't feel like I was moving past the 4-5cm mark. I did notice that with the cx I would feel a lot of pressure in my back and rectum and would feel the need to move through the cx. I have NEVER felt like moving when I had a cx when I was in labor with my boys. When I would watch a birth video and see the moms moving/swaying through a cx I just couldn't relate to that but this time I had to move through them. Around 2 my midwife came. I just knew I was stuck at 4-5cm and when she checked me I was 8. I couldn't believe it. Of course now that she was here the cx started to get worse and at around 3pm my water "popped". I have never experienced that before. My water had always started leaking the day before my boys were born. It felt like a small bomb went off in my belly. After that I got in the tub but through out the entire labor I could not lay down on my back or my side so all I could do was sit in the tub and that seem to slow things down so after eating two chocolate chip cookies and a peanut butter and jelly I got out and then things really picked up. She had been moving the entire time during labor and with my last I had two hours of hard labor and then it felt sooooo good to push him out but this time feeling her move down and pushing her out felt like my hips and rectum were going to explode. It only took a couple of pushes and at 3:59pm she was born. The last hour, hour and a half it was bad but that was it. She is my smallest baby at 7lbs, 1oz, 18inches, 12inch head. At the peds on Monday she was 6lbs, 8oz with a 13inch head. It was very hard the first few days. I knew life was going to change once she came and that dealing with a very strong welled, hyper 2 &1/2 year old would be challenging but it was even harder then I though. Any thoughts of being super mom have gone down the drain. We are slowly starting to get some balance and I am trying to enjoy every moment of her being so little.

Picture can be found on my myspace.

I think labor has started

2008-10-24T04:50:00.001-04:00

I've been up since 2:30am with contractions so I think we just might have a baby today.

38 Weeks

2008-10-21T18:03:00.002-04:00

Not much to say other than I'm still pregnant. I haven't gained any weight in about three weeks so I'm still at the 20lb mark. Hoping to have this baby soon. She is still at 0 station and I do seem to be a little more effaced and a little more dilated but of course that means nothing, lol.

2008-10-17T17:19:00.001-04:00

Maternity Shoot Pictures

2008-10-16T18:17:00.003-04:00

These were taken by http://www.timelessimage.biz/. I haven't got my CD with all the pic's on it yet but saw that they had put these up on their website so I thought I would share what I had so far. These were taken at about 36 weeks, 2 or 3 days.

37 week check up

2008-10-13T14:56:00.002-04:00

I am 2 cm dilated and about 60% effaced. Baby is at 0 station and my cervix is nice and stretchy. Of course all of this really means nothing because I could go from 0 to 10 and have a baby in 2 hours or be 4 cm dilated for a month. No weight gain this last week so still at 20 pounds.

Belly Cast

2008-10-12T17:40:00.002-04:00

2008-10-12T17:38:00.003-04:00

36 weeks 2 days

2008-10-08T16:03:00.001-04:00

36 weeks

2008-10-06T14:24:00.002-04:00

So I've gained 20 pounds and everything looks good. I have my maternity portraits this Wednesday. I have my Pampered Mama Spa day Friday at the Birth Center, that comes with the birth package, and I choose the 30 minute massage. I am doing my belly cast this weekend, unless I have to move it up because little Miss decides to show, lol. I had prayed for the 25th but I'm so ready for her to come now. It would be nice the have her this weekend. I pretty much can't move without there being some kind of pain or discomfort. I now go to prenatals and the chiro every Monday. Hard to believe we're finally at the end of this journey and we will be meeting her very soon.

35 weeks

2008-09-29T21:35:00.002-04:00

My thyroid blood work came back low so now I am on 112mg. That's the highest I've ever been on but she said once I have the baby I could go back down to 100mg. I am hoping the adjustment in the meds will give me the energy boost I need to get the things that I need to get done finished before the baby comes. Hopefully only 1 1/2 to 3 more weeks left.

34 week pics

2008-09-22T15:26:00.003-04:00

34 week check up

2008-09-22T15:05:00.002-04:00

Things are moving right along. I have gain 18 pounds now, I think most of it is in my butt, thighs and hips, LOL. I am going to try to get the house in order the next two weeks so that if this baby wants to come earlier, rather then later, I will have most every thing done. I'm hoping not to go past 38 &1/2 weeks but she needs to wait till at least 36 &1/2 weeks. Place your bets now, LOL.

32 week prenatal check up

2008-09-08T15:07:00.001-04:00

I've gained 16lbs. My midwife said I could gain another 10 pounds before it's over. I'm hoping NOT, lol. Baby is head down and VERY active. Her HB is in the 150's. My BP is nice and low. Everything is looking good.

Baby Shower

2008-09-08T07:09:00.002-04:00

I had canceled my original baby shower but a friend of mine got a couple of my closest friends together for a little party at a beautiful bed and breakfast in Orange City, The Alling House.

31 weeks

2008-09-02T15:25:00.002-04:00

I just had to share this!

2008-09-01T14:47:00.000-04:00

She's Still A Girl!!

2008-08-29T14:08:00.002-04:00

Soooooooo........................

2008-08-24T09:40:00.003-04:00

I couldn't sleep so I've been up since 4am. I went through the Sunday paper, clipped coupons, made french toast, weeded the flower bed, cleaned the front porch, did at least 6 loads of laundry, cleaned the stuff that got dirty from my shower backing up (that's another story,lol), I think I did some other stuff but can't remember right now, eating my third breakfast and it's only 9:30am. I think it's to early for this BUT is this what they call "Nesting", LOL?!

Foot Print Certificate

2008-08-22T18:18:00.003-04:00

Thought I would share the foot print certificate I made for baby Sophie.

Just sharing...........

2008-08-15T11:38:00.004-04:00

another diaper cake I made for a friend who needed one for a baby shower gift.

28 Week Update

2008-08-12T17:46:00.002-04:00

Had my 28 week prenatal today. I start going every 2 weeks now. I have gained 11 pounds. Baby seems to be head down now. Not feeling so psycho any more unless my blood sugar is low. Still very tired and having to eat a lot throughout the day to keep my blood sugar up but in all things are good.

27 weeks 5 days

2008-08-09T13:28:00.001-04:00

26 weeks

2008-07-30T18:25:00.002-04:00

Saw my endo doc and she said my thyroid levels were low so I am back up to 100 on my meds instead of 88 but no worries just have to go back in 8 weeks.

26 weeks

2008-07-28T20:11:00.004-04:00

24 week check up

2008-07-15T18:17:00.002-04:00

Found out today that the baby is transverse. My midwife didn't seemed worried but I can't help but worry a little because I have never had any of my babies do that at this point in the pregnancy. I just have to trust God to work it out and leave the worry to Him. Other then that I have gained a total of 8bls and my hypoglicimia has come back just not as bad as it was. Leaving for VA tomorrow and will be gone through the 26th.

Embyronic & Fetal Development Link

2008-07-09T18:25:00.002-04:00

You can slide the bar to see exactly how big the baby is at your stage of pregnancy.
http://www.umm.edu/pregnancy/000088.htm

22 1/2 weeks

2008-07-04T08:34:00.001-04:00

Thought I'd share

2008-07-02T21:38:00.002-04:00

I made theses for my sister inlaw, who is due anyday now with her first.

21 weeks

2008-06-24T10:07:00.002-04:00

WOW.... Half Way There!!

2008-06-16T11:28:00.001-04:00

It seems so long ago the road to getting pregnant and now I am half way there. I still worry from time to time but I try to give those worries to God as soon as they enter my mind. I think I have pretty much chosen Sophia Rose as her name. I am also still praying for Oct. 25th as her B-Day, because it's my oldest brothers B-Day. I have steadily been buying things but I am keeping it within the "clearance" and "sale" range. This girl thing can get expensive, lol. I'm not buying much for each given age bracket because I know they grow so fast and won't wear it all. I have gained about 5-6 pounds so that's not to bad but I know I may start putting it on now and I expect to really "pop" out by the end of this next month. I am feeling waaaaay better but still have some nausea from time to time and there is still a lot on my list of "not eating that yet", lol. 8 more weeks till my third trimester. I'm looking forward to a bigger, rounder belly so I can start taking pictures.

Can't write much but want to let everyone know I had my sono and.......................................

2008-06-02T21:17:00.000-04:00

After 5 angel babies and three boys here on earth, I am having a girl. I'm still in a little bit of shock right now but wanted to share the news.

16 weeks Update

2008-05-20T16:54:00.001-04:00

I am happy to announce that this old cow can go longer in-between grazings, lol. I am still dealing with the hypoglycemia but not nearly as bad as it was. My menu has expanded to more kinds of foods too. I am still tired a lot but as a whole I say things are moving in an upper direction and I hope in a few weeks to be back to "normal", ya right, hahahaha, normal for me anyways. I am feeling movement just not on the outside yet and it's not consistant yet either. I have gained about 3-4 pounds so far.

2008-05-05T15:51:00.000-04:00

NO SUBSTITUTE

Swings for arms,
Bottles for breasts,
Advice from the 'experts'
Who think they know best.

'Binky's and monitors
And all sorts of clutter
Think they can take
The place of a mother.

Pre-schools and daycares,
And babysitters, too,
Think they can do
What mothers should do.

Oh listen, dear mother
To words that are true -
No one or nothing
Can care just like you.

Your children are blessings
Loaned from above,
More than money or things
What they need is your love.

By Cynthia Flanagan.

Second Trimester Here I Come....

2008-05-02T12:44:00.002-04:00

I can't believe I can say that now. It's still seems so surreal. I am still sick as a dog and very tired. I don't go back to my endo doc till next month. I will also know in a month what I am having, again, I am assuming it's another boy, lol. My friend is still trying to get pregnant. We are hopeful that this will be the month and if so we would be three months apart and she will be due the same time we had our last two kids. I'm hoping not to gain to much weight in the second tri because I know no matter what I do I will gain in the third tri. I only gained 28lbs with the last two but I would like to keep it even lower then that if I can. That's it for now.

11 week check in

2008-04-16T16:17:00.002-04:00

I went to my endocrinologist yesterday and she said my blood work came back that I am severely hypoglycemic. She made me get a blood sugar monitor and said to be eating more protein. I am hoping once the placenta takes over that it will get better and that should happen soon. Still sick 24/7 and the tiredness has come back with a vengeance.

I couldn't help myself. My name is Donna and I'm a POASaholic.

2008-04-12T11:21:00.003-04:00

I had a over whilming urge to POAS. I guess the POASaholic in me will never die, lol. So here it is, 10 weeks and 4 days. It's a Dollar Tree test. I just love seeing those lines come up right away.

Boy or Girl.......

2008-04-07T12:49:00.002-04:00

That be the question. I have my sono appointment for June 2nd. I will be 17 weeks 6 days then so I should be far enough along for them to be able to tell. My next prenatal is April 30th.

First Prenatal Appointment

2008-04-05T17:46:00.003-04:00

I had it on Thursday. We couldn't hear the heartbeat but she said no worries cause it happens all the time that early plus I had just had the sono on Monday and saw it. My next appointment is the 3oth. I will probably stop by the birth center sometime next weekend to see if we can get the HB cause you all know I can't wait till the end of the month, lol. I have one of those home things you can buy at walmart to hear the heart beat but it is way to early for mine to pick it up but I can hear the baby moving. I took a big leap and regestered for free baby samples and coupons this last week too. We will tell my husbands family by the end of the month. We like to wait till 12-13 weeks before we tell them, we'll see if we make it till then.

It's Official......

2008-03-31T17:08:00.003-04:00

I'm Pregnant!!! The sono today confirmed I am right on target and baby looked great. Due date of Nov 4th but praying for Oct 25, my brothers birthday and our friends daughters birthday. Thanks again for all the prayers and support.

Sono Today

2008-03-31T12:06:00.001-04:00

The appointment is at 2pm and then I have to go straight over to the doc's. I will update later this afternoon or early evening.

2008-03-25T12:57:00.002-04:00

My friend got me some morning sickness magic pills for the nausea. I am hoping it helps. It says it could take 3-5 days to "kick in". I try to lay down every day to help with the tiredness. Still a little worried about the sono on the 31st but I am hopeful.

Checking In

2008-03-21T07:56:00.002-04:00

I'm still sick morning, noon and night. I would say that's a good thing even though it sucks. I wake up tired and everything requires so much effort to do. I feel hopeful about my next sono but I'm still afraid to get to excited. Dylan pointed to my belly the other night and said baby. It's not anything we have taught him so I thought that was kind of weird.

Good News!!

2008-03-17T18:41:00.000-04:00

I can't believe I'm about to type this but.........We saw a heart beat!!! I'm in shock right now. The dates are a couple days off from where I think they should be and the sac is measuring larger then the baby but the sono guy and the doc said they weren't to concerned about it. The heart beat was 138-143 per minute. I have to get another sono in two weeks and if it's good then the doc said I would officially be labeled "NORMAL PREGNANCY". I still don't feel out of the woods yet but at least there is something to be hopeful about. Thank you so much for your prayers.

So here are where things stand,

2008-03-13T12:09:00.001-04:00

The doctor gave me a prescription for the nausea. I have to get another sono on Monday at 2:45pm and then head over to his office. If the sono report on Monday still says there is nothing there then I will have a D&C on Tuesday. I know that God is a BIG God but I do not hold out much hope that there will be anything there and I am preparing for the D&C.

Options?

2008-03-13T08:51:00.001-04:00

I'm going to the doc today. I have decide that I can not wait for this to happen naturally and for my sanity I need this to be over. I am going to find out what my options are and will update later.

Venting.

2008-03-12T09:04:00.000-04:00

It's been a couple of days since I found out that this pregnancy was no longer going to turn into a beautiful healthy baby. I really wanted to let this miscarriage happen naturally but the more days that go by the more I don't know how much longer I can do this. My morning, noon and night sickness is starting to be more than I can bare. At one time it was a comfort, but now it is just a constant reminder of what will never be. I also can't stand this constant tiredness. I don't want to continue feeling this way when there is no point to it. My last blighted ovum I did not have such strong pregnancy symptoms. I am growing more and more resentful of them and feel like they are just salt in the wound. My belly continues to swell as if a cruel joke is being played on my body. I think if there is still no spotting by Monday I will get another sono just to make sure and then get into the OB to see what can be done to get this over with.

Update

2008-03-10T17:59:00.002-04:00

I had my sono and sadly it is another blighted ovum. He said everything looked intact so I have no idea how long it will take to miscarry. My midwife is looking into what I can do naturally to help get things moving so I don't have to wait to get this done and over. I go next month to get my thyroid levels checked again and if they are still off I will not try to get pregnant until my levels are back to normal. Thank you all for your love, prayers and support.

Last post until after sono.

2008-03-08T11:15:00.000-05:00

If nausea and tiredness is an indication of a healthy pregnancy then I'm doing great. I don't know if it is my age but I am soooooooo tired and the nausea is really starting to get bad. I'm a little surprised at how bad I feel but I look at it as a good sign that this means this pregnancy is going good and I will have a beautiful healthy baby in a few months. I am thanking God for all of my symptoms because they have been a comfort. If I didn't feel bad I would probably be worrying. I will post Monday after my sono. It is at 4:15pm so it will probably be after dinner when I post an update.

My Pregnancy Symptoms So Far.

2008-03-06T07:59:00.002-05:00

Here are my symptoms so far. Hungry most of the time, even if food doesn't sound good. Boobs feel swollen and sore. The waves of nausea and indigestion come and go. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to get heartburn but it's stuck, if that makes any sense. I'm VERY moody and tired. I am thanking God for every one of my pregnancy symptoms, in fact when I have a moment when I'm feeling good it sometimes worries me.

5 WEEKS

2008-03-04T08:05:00.002-05:00

Wow, I can't believe I can say that. 5 weeks seems so far away from 40 but it's one week closer then I was. Monday seems so far away too. I swear I can already feel my uterus. Again I thank you all your your prayers and support.

17 DPO

2008-02-29T08:07:00.002-05:00

I peed on my last HPT's this morning. Saveontests and Answer HPT's from 9DPO to 17DPO. I don't think I'm going to temp anymore either.

16 DPO

2008-02-28T18:04:00.001-05:00

Still getting beautiful dark lines on my HPT's. I will be taking my last one tomorrow. I have a sono on the 10th of March at 4:15pm to confirm heartbeat. I'm still in a little bit of shock.

15 DPO

2008-02-27T10:48:00.004-05:00

The spotting seems to have stopped as of yesterday. Here are pic's of the HPT's progression from 9 DPO to 15 DPO. I guess the next step is to make it to 6 weeks and get a sono to confirm heartbeat. I have two days of testing left and then I won't be taking any more. I am not sure how long I am going to temp either.

14 DPO

2008-02-26T12:22:00.001-05:00

I noticed some spotting last night and still today too. My temp is still up but I'm starting to feel very discouraged right now. Prayers for God's will and peace to except it would be greatly appreciated.

13 DPO

2008-02-25T11:09:00.001-05:00

My temps are still up and the waves of nausea still come and go. The lines are still getting darker.

12 DPO

2008-02-24T09:49:00.002-05:00

11 DPO

2008-02-23T10:08:00.004-05:00

So I think my lines are getting darker. I guess I can say it now, "I'm pregnant". Here are the latest pic's. If this pregnancy goes full term my EDD (Estimated Due Date) would be 11/04/08. Thank you for your prayers and support!

10 DPO

2008-02-22T08:09:00.002-05:00

Two more....

2008-02-21T18:42:00.001-05:00

HPT with two lines on them. I'm praying this little bean sticks. I will update in the morning after I take the Answer HPT. Prayers would be greatly appreciated. = )

9 DPO

2008-02-21T15:24:00.003-05:00

So, this is what I got today at 2pm. 3 test all with the same pee. I will use my last good test in the morning. I still have tons of IC's to pee on so I may POAS again tonight but here is were I'm at for now. Can you see anything?

8 DPO & already over it.

2008-02-20T10:47:00.003-05:00

So I've been testing and getting "indents" and "evaps" on the HPT's for the last two days so I broke down and used one of the two Anwser HPT's that I have and it was a BFN. I am already over this. I wish I could just not test until at least 10-12 DPO. That is what I tell others to do. I think when I use all of these HPT's up I will not buy any more. That way if I don't have any in the house I will not be temped to use them. My Ovusoft charting program did say that I was possibly going triphasic and to test in two days. My friend tested neg also but she is pretty sure she IS pregnant because of all of her symptoms.

Oh Well.

2008-02-19T08:32:00.001-05:00

So I tested this morning at 7 DPO and what I thought I saw yesterday must have been evaps.

I confess.

2008-02-18T20:40:00.000-05:00

I am 6 DPO today and have been testing. I tested in the am and afternoon. I didn't see anything in the am but the afternoon test looks like "MAYBE" there is something there. I will test again in the morning and if there is nothing there then I will know that today's was just an evap.

Hello, my name is Donna and I'm a POASoholic.

2008-02-16T10:02:00.003-05:00

OK I'm 4 DPO and I'm dying to POAS, LOL. I can't beleive I didn't cave in and buy OPK's this month but I just keep remembering that I gave that over to God but it was hard and I was temped to. I know I should wait till at least 8 DPO before I use a HPT but the urge is there. Coffee, sugar, drugs, drinking, ect are not the only things a person can become addicted to. I'm beginning to think once my HPT's are gone that I should give those up too. We'll see, one thing at at a time. My friend Nichole has already started testing and nothing so far for her.

Another Two Week Wait has started.

2008-02-13T08:34:00.004-05:00

My temp is slightly up and my CM seems to be drying up so it does appear that I Oed yesterday. My fertile CM seemed to be more watery then egg white this month so if this month doesn't work out I will be starting with Guaifenesin the week before O is due next month. So today is 1 DPO. Once again I will try to hold out as long as I can before I start testing but we all know how this will probably end, lol. On another note, my friend that had her baby 2-3 days before my last son was born and who just got her IUD out, just Oed a couple of days ago so it will be very interisting to see how things play out this month for the both of us. Keep those prayers coming!

Maybe today?

2008-02-12T18:07:00.000-05:00

I got what I felt was ovulation pains today so we'll see if my temp goes up tomorrow.

Article on Home

2008-02-12T15:22:00.000-05:00

http://www.babyworld.co.uk/information/birth/homebirth/celeb_homebirths.asp

Time to Baby Dance.

2008-02-11T15:59:00.000-05:00

WOOO HOOO!!! It's CD 18 and I FINALLY have fertile CM!! I just hope we time the BDing good. Hard to believe a snot like substance can make some women so happy, lol.

Checking In

2008-02-08T13:56:00.000-05:00

I'm still waiting for my fertile CM to start. I am on CD 15 now. I was really hoping to O by CD 16 but I guess it's looking more like CD 18-20. I will post when things start happening.

New Website

2008-02-04T12:26:00.000-05:00

I'm putting together a new website that has information on TTC, HPT's, OPK's, Natural Family Planning, Pregnancy & Miscarriage. Check it out and let me know what you think and what you would like to see added. www.TTCandMore.Homestead.com

2008-02-01T18:15:00.000-05:00

www.TheBusinessofBeingBorn.com

C-Sections On Demand

2008-01-31T11:06:00.001-05:00

http://www.floridatoday.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080129/LIFE/801290307/-1/archives

Thought I would share this.

2008-01-29T08:37:00.000-05:00

In Praise of Telling Too Soon
By Katie Silberman

That thing they warn you about: it happened to me. I got pregnant. I was thrilled. I told a bunch of family and friends—and then I lost the baby in my second month. I had to untell a whole lot of people. That story was swirling around in my head. You know the one. The one "They" always say about how you're "not supposed to tell people too soon." I always hated that one. I hated it when my sister would whisper that her friends were pregnant, and then warn me, "...they're not telling people yet." It seemed so negative and scardey-cat to me. I always swore that when I got pregnant, I'd tell the whole world. Well, I did (practically). And it was great. I got the most wonderful responses, full of excitement and anticipation and appreciation for my husband Bryan and me. We had a great two months—it was fun when my clothes started not to fit; it was fun when my husband had to go out at night and get me ginger ale, just like in the stories. We even got a few cards and gifts. Then we went for our first OB appointment. The doctor saw the baby on the ultrasound, but she could not detect the heartbeat. "I think your baby has died," she said. The words didn't even sink in. My husband and I are pretty optimistic people—it truly had not even occurred to either one of us that the baby might not be okay. When we finally registered what she had said, the news was crushing; it was devastating; I felt like a balloon had been popped. Any loss can surely be utterly distressing, painful and sad. What seemed different about this particular loss, besides the fact that it was happening to us (this wasn't supposed to happen!!!), is that when I was pregnant I was coming from a place of such elation. It wasn't just normal life—it was flying high, excitement, euphoria, anticipation. And then the crash. The distance to fall seemed farther—the chasm between zenith and nadir more vast. That's where "in praise of telling people too soon" came in. My husband and I were crushed with grief and disappointment. All I wanted to do was to lay on the couch in my bathrobe all day (sometimes Bryan would gently inquire around 4 o'clock in the afternoon whether I wanted to get dressed. I would scowl at him and say no.) Not up to talking on the phone, I sent out an email message to my friends and family briefly explaining what happened. Along with "untelling," I explained that I did not much feel like receiving calls. We were inundated with caring replies, and reading the messages that poured back in was all I felt like doing those few weeks. Bryan smiled that every time I checked my email, tears rolled down my cheeks as I was touched by the waves of support from the people who loved us, recognized what we were going through, and offered us their kindness. If we had not had the outpouring of care and support from our friends and family, I am certain that couch-laying phase would have lasted a lot longer than it did. The thing about miscarriage that I most feared was that it seemed so invisible. I hadn't really looked pregnant yet; the baby was just a tiny thing (the size of a raspberry, the books said). With the code of secrecy surrounding the "don't tell too early" story, there did seem to be a residual sense of shame about what was happening; as though it should be kept in the realm of women's maladies that happen "down there," in the dark, that we're not allowed to talk about. But I knew that something real had happened to me; it was not invisible. If I had kept my pregnancy and miscarriage a secret, if I had bought the shame story, then I would not have been real. I can't even imagine having to fake it with the most important people in my life: to pretend that nothing was wrong, during one of the most heartbreaking experiences of my life. That, to me, seems much more traumatic than having to "untell" and then tell the people who love you that you could use a little love and support. And then let them give it.

Katie Silberman is Associate Director of the Science & Environmental Health Network, a national non-profit organization. Katie and her husband live in St. Louis, MO with their very busy toddler, Lincoln.

A new beginning.

2008-01-25T08:10:00.000-05:00

Today officially starts my forth month trying to conceive. I had a couple of bad days but I really am doing good. I am really trying to just give it all to God and trust Him to work it all out. I have some down moments but in all I am doing good. I am not going to use OPK's anymore so we'll see what happens this month. My cramps are pretty bad today. They are to the point of nausea sometimes but I am hoping that doesn't last long.

Thyroid

2008-01-23T11:27:00.000-05:00

I saw my endocrinologist today and my blood work came back that my thyroid is off. The doc adjusted my meds so maybe that will help with any future pregnancies.

Fading fast.

2008-01-23T08:01:00.001-05:00

I tested this morning and the second line is fading. I expect to start bleeding within a couple of days. I will now have 5 angel babies in heaven.

Don't know what to think.

2008-01-22T15:14:00.000-05:00

I caved in and tested yesterday afternoon and got a light second pink line. My temp was up this morning and I took another test and got a light second pink line. Because I was still spotting I went in to the doc and he said he thought it was most likely a chemical pregnancy and that I would start bleeding eventually. I'm not sure what to think right now. I am hoping for the best and well just have to wait and see what happens. The longest one of my chemical pregnancies lasted was 20DPO so I am on 13DPO right now. I will continue to test to see if the line get darker. I am experiencing a lot of nausea and I didn't with the other chemicals so I am holding on to some hope.

Still waiting.

2008-01-21T12:22:00.000-05:00

Still spotting and temp is still up.

This months conclusion.

2008-01-19T13:16:00.000-05:00

I took my last HTP this morning. I have peed on everything I could get my hands on and all BFN's. I am spotting so I would say AF is right around the corner. I think I ovulated a day earlier then my chart says. I am glad all the test are gone and I don't plan on getting any more.

I had a DUH moment.

2008-01-15T16:00:00.000-05:00

I just realized today that I had been reading my answer OPK's wrong. After all the confusion about my OPK's this month, the answer ones where all positive. This is just another reason to not do them any more. I don't need all the drama, lol. In the picture of this months OPK's the answer ones should be turned the other way. Oh well, lesson learned and I did get a big laugh at myself.

My TTC Revelation.

2008-01-14T10:24:00.000-05:00

In my confusion about my OPK's this month a Bible verse came to me,

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path"

And in the last few days it has dawned on me that if I want His perfect will for my life and I am leaving it up to Him if I have any more children, then I don't need to be doing the OPK's anymore. I do have some left over from this month but will not be buying any more. Today is 5 DPO and I am going to try really hard to hold off from testing as long as I can. After I use up what HTP's I have, I don't plan on buying anymore of those either until I am at least 10 DPO because the temptation to test earlier is just to strong.

The "Two Week Wait" is finally here.

2008-01-10T09:02:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it but I Oed earlier then expected. I am now 1 DPO. Anyone who knows me knows that the TWW is really only about 6 days because I start testing early. I think we timed the BDing pretty good so hopefully I dropped a good egg. Other the the earlier then expected O, I did have a very short LH surge. I started testing on CD 14 but it was negative. I had my surge on CD 15 but by yesterday morning, CD 16, it was gone and then it actually peaked again last night after having negatives all day. I did test again this morning, even though my temp has gone up indicating that I have Oed, and it was negative. So I'm pretty sure I Oed yesterday. I'm just glad O day has come and gone and I can move on to the next stage of this crazy thing.

The Final Countdown.

2008-01-08T20:22:00.000-05:00

I started the OPK's yesterday and barely a second line but today it was ALMOST positive. I have fertile CM so I think I should O in the next 2-3 days. Prayers would be greatly appreciated!!

My Birth Stories

2008-01-07T12:26:00.000-05:00

The Birth Of My First Son, 1989.

It was a typical hospital birth with an OB/GYN. I actually think it was a little better then typical because I wasn’t as rushed through the birth process as quickly as other moms were. I think when moms choose to birth in a hospital with an OB/CNM we kind of know what we are signing up for. I got the standard Hospital birth. Water started leaking at 3pm. Hospital by 4pm. After a couple of hours of “No Progress”, they broke my water. After a couple more hours came the evil pitocine, which of course lead to an epidural. The whole time being denied food and drink and not being able to get up and pee in the toilet. And to top it off, they finished it up with an episiotomy, (which caused painful sex for at least a year after that birth). At around 7:30am the next morning my beautiful 8lbs, 5oz son was born.

The Birth Of My Second Son, 1994.

Even though my first birth wasn’t “traumatic” I was looking for something more personable with my second. I found a birth center with CNM’s and thought that I had found what I was looking for. The place was beautiful and I really enjoyed most of my prenatal visits. Most of the CNM’s on staff were very personable and I looked forward to giving birth there. I was pregnant at the same time as my friend and we were both going to the same center. We of course had our favorite pick for who we wanted to attend our births. My friend went into labor 12 days before me and I was able to be there. I was wonderful. She was able to get the favorite midwife and the birth was so magical. No interventions. No rushing. Just a beautiful, peaceful birth. I left that birth sooo looking forward to mine.

8pm, twelve days later, my water started leak. I called the midwife on call and she was at the hospital and said to come in around 1am. I was disappointed that it was not one of the midwives I had hoped to get. I arrived at the center and she immediately broke my water and started me on black and blue cohosh to get things going because she said I was to “Happy”. She apparently didn’t check to see what position the baby was in before doing all of this because he was posterior. After laboring for hours she realized the position of the baby and started to put me in different positions to try and get him to move. I had handled labor fairly well until she started in with the manual stretching of my cervix at every vaginal exam which would cause me excruciating pain. When my midwife was in the room she would just sit on the floor leaned up against the wall but most of the time she wasn’t even in the room with me. I felt so alone and violated. I keep thinking I could be in a hospital because it wasn’t as bad as this and the doctor didn’t come in and inflict pain on me. I became so hysterical from the pain that they had to give me a shot. Finally her shift was up and a new midwife came in but by then the damage to my mind and my womanhood had been done. At 9:13am, after only 20-30 minutes of pushing, I pushed my posterior, 7lbs, 11oz son out. I did seem to physically heal faster then my hospital birth but I swore if there was a next time it would be in a hospital because I was not women enough to do that again. A friend from childbirth class was there for my birth and she was so traumatized by my birth that she was still upset and crying about it when her husband came home later that day. She had her baby two days later and had a wonderful birth with one of the “good” midwives on staff, which reinforced my failure as a woman to naturally birth a baby. If my two friends did and I didn’t then it must have been my fault. I had a new baby and was healing nicely but my heart, soul and my womanhood felt ripped to shreds. The birth of my second son would come to haunt me for years to come.

The Birth Of My Third Son, 2005.

When I decided to I wanted another child I knew that I didn’t want a hospital birth but because of my traumatic experience at a birth center, I didn’t really want one at a center either. I didn’t know what to do. My once joy in being pregnant and giving birth had turned into horror. I located one of the midwives that I had hoped to get for my last birth but she was no longer in the area. I went back to the birth center for a preconception visit and talked with the only midwife there that I liked and she said that she could not guarantee that I would get her for my birth. I started doing research on doulas and the different kinds of midwives. It wasn’t until talking with a doula that I even thought about a home birth. I don’t think I had even heard of home birth until the doula I spoke to mentioned it. As soon as I did the research I KNEW that a home birth was for me. The only thing now was to find that special person who I could trust to be there during one of the most intimate, vulnerable times in my life. I needed a midwife who could help me heal from my last birth. I needed to feel safe. After talking with several midwives I finally found the right one, midwife Michelle Gawne. After three losses I conceived our long awaited third son.

As I sat down to write Dylan's birth story I had to go back to the very beginning of this whole thing. It started Sunday night, January 15. When I went to bed my sinuses got really bad and I had a hard time sleeping because I couldn't breathe through my nose. I felt fine Monday but Monday night I had a hard time again. But by Tuesday afternoon the post nasal drip moved into my throat and I could hardly talk. So Wednesday I went to the doctor. I assumed it was a sinus infection because I have always had allergy and sinus problems and I get sinus infections 2-4 times a year. They said I had laryngitis and maybe a cold too but they couldn't do anything because it was a viral thing. I told them I thought it was sinus and post nasal but they were the experts so I left feeling like crap. They said if I was not better by Sunday to come back. Well, as of that Wednesday night the coughing and gagging started. No sleeping for the rest of the week. The coughing was so bad I would gag and almost throw up all night and I had to wear a pad 24/7 because I would go every time I would cough. By Sunday I was so sleep deprived and emotionally drained I just wanted to die.

Monday the 23rd I went back to the doctor and told them I hadn't slept in a week and if they didn't help me I was going to go to the hospital and ask them to help me and low and behold the doctor tells me I have a sinus infection and puts me on antibiotics. I went and got my prescription filled and came back home and took a benadryl. I slept on and off from about 12:30PM to 4:30 PM. I got up to start dinner and I noticed I was leaking and I thought "Great, now I'm peeing myself even when I'm not coughing" but after a couple of hours I realized It was my water. I still thought it could be a couple of days before I went into labor. By late evening I was starting to have to change my pads a lot because of the leaking.

Everyone went to bed and I tried to sleep but again the coughing and gagging kept me up and by 2:45am I stared to have blood in the leaking. I was still thinking labor could be days away. By 4am my contractions started to change and intensify. I started to think "I just might have this baby in my arms within 24 hours". My husbands alarm went off around 5am and I told him he wasn't going to work and that the contractions were coming about every five minutes. I started making some noise with the contractions and my husband timed a couple and said they were coming every 2-3 minutes and I should call my midwife Michelle but I said it's to early and it would be a long time before the baby came and I didn't want to wake anyone up. But by 5:30 I called the midwife. I didn't want to but the contractions were really starting to get going and I figured I would let her know that I thought the baby would be here sometime today, that way she had notice and could plan her day. Michelle said she would come over but I told her to go back to bed. I really thought we had lots of time and I felt bad for calling her so early. By 6:20 I could hardly talk. I called my midwife to tell her to come now and she said "I'm almost there already". In my head I'm still thinking this was going to take all day and because the contractions were so intense and coming so close together I thought to myself "I can't do this for 6 to 8 hours". My midwife got to the house by 6:30am and I was 5cm and by 8:20am, January 24th, My dads B-day, my beautiful little perfect miracle was born, in the same bed he was conceived. 7lbs 2oz and 20&1/2 inch. I can't stress how important it was to have the midwife I had. She was totally hands off and let my body do what it had to do. No interventions. No rushing. No unnecessary anything! After three losses and a very bad birth experience with my last birth she really had to hold my hand the whole pregnancy and labor. Dylan's birth was such a healing experience for me. Even though it was extremely fast and intense, it is true, you forget the pain once you look into their little eyes. I'm almost ready to do it again. : ) I can't even imagine how much better it would have been if I hadn't been sick. But God is good and things turned out great.

The Birth Of My Four Child, Hopefully 2008.

It hasn’t happened yet but I am actively trying to conceive the fourth member of our family. I also know that midwife Michelle will be the one who catches my baby, there could be no one else for me.

Pregnancy is in the air!

2008-01-07T12:10:00.000-05:00

I just found out that a lady from my old play group is pregnant. My sister in law is due in July/Aug so lets hope the baby dust is headed my way. I should O by the end of this week.

To BD or not to BD, that is the question.

2008-01-03T15:12:00.000-05:00

For those that don't know, I had a LEEP procedure done in October of last year. I have to go and get a pap on Friday, January 11 of next week and guess what day that is for me? It is potentially "O" day. So I have decided to plan my BDing around that day but I can NOT pass up an opportunity to make a baby so I hope it doesn't interfere with the pap but if it does, I would rather try for a baby and have to go back and repeat the pap then to not try. Boy, do I have it bad or what, lol.

December OPK's

2008-01-01T16:01:00.000-05:00

Double Trouble

2008-01-01T15:36:00.000-05:00

My friend that was pregnant at the same time as me last time, is going to be trying again in a month or two. It would be so neat if we were pregnant together again. We delivered our last babies within days of each other. I do feel a little more pressure now to get pregnant. She is way younger then me and will probably get pregnant with in the first couple of months and here I am on my 3rd month trying and being so much older but I'm still hoping we will be pregnant together.

Here we go, again.

2007-12-31T15:29:00.000-05:00

AF showed on Christmas day. Merry Christmas to me..... NOT. I was totally hoping for a BFP for Christmas, not AF. So the count down to "O" day has begun. This is our 3rd official month of trying. I can ovulate any where form CD 14-20 so not knowing when makes it all the more fun, lol. I plan on using OPK's to help pin point "O" day but don't plan on using them until I see fertile CM. I say that now but as a POASaholic we'll see how long I last, hehehe. I found http://www.saveontests.com/ to be the cheapest for OPK's & HPT's and if you don't like to do mail order then the next cheapest would be the Dollar Tree. (Not all Dollar Tree's carry the OPK's)